have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
