i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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