and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
That accounts for only three of the penises
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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