Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
