Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
