we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.