The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.