yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
