If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
What a dumb baby whore.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
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She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?