I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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