she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
