You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
