he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
