I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
