so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
