yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
