Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I deserve this hangover.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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