Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
