Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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