As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
