I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
