My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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