Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
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sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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