I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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