just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
soo... how was my night?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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