I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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