"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
false alarm. still invincible.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
