How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
