Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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