Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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