Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
foreskin is a definite game changer
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Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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