I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
