Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
