Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
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Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
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When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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