One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I intend to get homeless drunk
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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