when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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