HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize