One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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