His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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