Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
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No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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