Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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