The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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