i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
