He passed out mid-signature
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I love you. Go after that dick
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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