He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
