You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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