Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
