I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
