its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
