mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
