my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
