i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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