We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
