I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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