YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
