Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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