i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Randomize
