1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
