Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
